MARTY'S BLOG HAS MOVED!!

Well, really I just wanted to change the name.
To do that, I had to move.

Please click here to come to the new location - HEARTSTOPS.


http://heartstops.blogspot.com/

Baseball - Take the Swings

Baseball.  So many have said so much - and this from Edward Abbey:
"Baseball is a slow, sluggish game with frequent and trivial interruptions, offering the spectator many opportunities to reflect at leisure upon the situation on the field.  This is what the fan loves about the game."


Well, that is one thing this fan loves about the game.  That we can patiently sit and think through the inning, the number of outs, the count, the defensive options - all before the batter sees his first pitch.  Then recalibrate before the second pitch.  All the while slowly and completely reveling in the beauty of the day.


Baseball is a pleasure and on a crisp, sunny, late afternoon, it is magic. Even here in my adopted home town where we have no major league team, no farm team --- I am learning to love college baseball.  Because that is what we have.  And it is still magic.  It's still a ball field, it is still remarkably green as the lights come on with the sun moving down; it is still all order and chaos.   A triple is still exciting, a boy who fails to swing at the third strike is a tragedy, an error is heartbreak and a runner bouncing up after a stolen base an explosive and marvelous triumph.  It is such a simple and unimaginably complex game.


And here from PeeWee Reese: 
If I had my career to play over, one thing I'd do differently is swing more. Those 1,200 walks I got, nobody remembers them.

It is baseball.  I do believe I'll head out to the game today.

February - Who Says It is Not the Cruelest Month?

No redeeming value to February.  It's hard to spell, it's cold, it's often just  miserable.  This year, it has been horrid in these parts, and I don't mean the weather.  Who the hell said April was the Cruelest  Month?  I think they were idiots,  and I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Out of some desperation, people throw in Valentine's Day and President's Day to try to soften it up, but no one is fooled. Temporarily distracted perhaps, but not fooled.

The month sucks.  The best thing I can say about it this time around is thank god 2011 is not a leap year.  I don't know that I could have borne a 29th day.
The Ides are looking good.

What can we possibly say about a month that has - as its very best moment -  Groundhog Day?

Even this post sucks.

 But love the dude to the right.

Sudden Cardiac Arrest (SCA) and Our Ledgers

Large pieces of life gradually become ledger books.  I often thought marriage became an enormous ledger (you know - I cleaned the kitchen last time...I get to be a bitch today because you were a toad yesterday...).

SCA fouls up the ledgers.  It knocks our routine relationships out of balance.  How much we care about different parts of our lives shifts,  sometimes in small ways and other times closer to volcanically.  Eruptions.  Sometimes it seems like a total disorientation.  Upside down.  Planet gone wobbly.

Pre-SCA, when we had a spat (I was mocked for using that word, but I like it - it's a wonderful word) - in a spat or argument or real fight, we measured our next action, at least in part, with one eye on that mental ledger. I apologized first last time.... OR....he was more wrong than I was here, so he has to apologize first. ...OR he was really wrong this time - nothing short of flowers will work.

Since the SCA, it seems the minor disturbances are unchanged - I may withhold an apology or a gesture to make sure the delicate balance does not get too far out of whack.  But on the big ones, where a relationship or at least harmony is at stake  - I sometimes am almost oblivious to that balance.  It doesn't matter to me who was more wrong.  It doesn't matter to me if I over-apologize or meet more than halfway.  Doesn't even matter if I risk going where I am not welcome.  The chance at preserving or improving an important relationship trumps book-balancing.  Post SCA, my tolerance for regrets has sunk to near zero; if I can avoid regretting an action or inaction, I am going to.  And really - making the first step towards reconciliation or taking the larger step - these are rarely the sources of our regrets.

We all know life is short.  We SCA survivors know it can be starkly, coldly short.  Blink of an eye short.  May not wake up tomorrow short. That next electrical disruption can happen in the next 5 minutes.  Or in 20 years.  One thing is certain; regrets are not how we want to spend our time.  If I embarrass myself - who gives a damn.

Photo courtesy of an un-friend.

Platonic Relationships Fail

Genies do not go back into bottles.   If you want to ruin a platonic friendship, try kissing.  You don't even have to have sex - just make out.  Genie comes flying out.  Soaring, racing out.  Jet propelled out.

Throughout our friendship, we both knew that a 'normal' relationship was not possible, even though we are single. There are impediments, barriers - insurmountable issues and obstacles. Well, it's one very large one, I guess.  Maybe one and a half. Well, probably two. There is no question about our caring for one another, but these barriers are large.  Large as in --- I would have a better shot at pole-vaulting 15 feet than we would have getting past these issues.  We both knew it then and know it now.

We lost our heads and we kissed, made out - that is all it took to ruin this friendship that meant so much to me.   At first, I thought we could talk our way back into the platonic state.  But first he and then I came to understand that we had reached the land of "No Exit".  Genies don't go back into bottles, we cannot deny what happened,  talking about it doesn't vaporize it, and of course, we have to accept why it happened.  Then the unwelcome, hard fact - it would probably happen again.  So no going back.  

And those earlier barriers and impediments?  They are as real and as high as they ever were.

No way forward to a relationship; no way backwards to Plato.  The only thing left was the door.  Our friendship ended.  It is overwhelmingly sad and utterly inevitable.  Heartbreak.

Sometimes I hate being an adult.
Maybe I'll rethink it.

Drinkers - Perhaps a Tattoo Warning

I am thinking of getting a tattoo.  Really.  I mean, I have an implanted defibrillator for shocks if the heart goes south, but somehow, I need another device to remind me not to have heavy drinkers in my life.  Perhaps a companion defibrillator?  Something that would deliver a shock if I find myself in their presence?

I stink at any type of relationship with heavy drinkers, and it is not for lack of experience or effort.  In our lives, we have elective people and non-elective people.  The non-elective ones are blood relatives; we have permanent relationships with them, regardless. Maybe clients and coworkers are non-elective people as well.  But geez - the elective people are everyone else - friends, lovers, acquaintances. All of them.  I had thought it was just an issue with lovers; but it's not - it is every single elective person.  I need a tattoo - no elective heavy drinkers.

I am reminded of a quote:  "Turning to a heavy drinker for emotional support is like going to a hardware store for bread.  It doesn't make much sense to get mad at the store; the question is why do I go there."  And the answer of course - these people (yes, particularly the men), are charming, engaging, charismatic and then I am an idiot.

And how do we define heavy drinkers?:

•  I think the government says more that 14 drinks per week. And I can hear all my  drinking pals ask: "But how many ounces in a drink?" OR "Per week - you mean without the weekends, right?".
• And how does the Rowan clan define a heavy drinker? : "Someone who drinks more than I do".
• And me - how do I tell if someone is a heavy drinker? How the hell do I know? If I were good at this, I would not be in this mess.

Tatoo coming.

Loss

Is there such a thing as good loss?  We lose loved ones, we lose keys, we lose our looks, we lose pets, we lose our marbles.  This is a week of loss.  It seems I have lost a friend, always a sad turn of events. This one is particularly sad; it wasn't a notably complicated relationship, but it was invariably fun and engaging.  Well, truth be told, it was a little more complicated than that.  But it also was one formed in the aftermath of the Sudden Cardiac Arrest (SCA); I healed and learned to live with this in the context of that friendship.   It's just one of those twists and turns that life sends your way; life brings new friends and occasionally trips you up and sends one prematurely packing.  I wish it were different, but the circumstances of this demise are such that there is nothing I can do.

At least I didn't lose a heartbeat again.  I need always remember; everything is manageable so long as we don't lose that damn heartbeat.

Oh wait - there is good loss - I had an excellent weight loss week.  "There you have it" - I lost a friend, I lost my keys, I lost a book, I did not lose a heart beat and I lost a few pounds.  I think I'd trade for my friend back.

Tools - So Grateful for Tools

A couple weeks ago, I wrote about the horror of a 17 year old who had to come to terms with SCA, the implanted defibrillator and the new restrictions on his life.  It made me think of the vast difference between the life-management skills an adult has compared to what we had as teens.

After that, my life entered a tumbler, a roller coaster ride of surprise, fear, joy, more fear and then sadness.  So after musing conceptually about my gratitude for the tools of adulthood, I then had an opportunity to dust off every single one of them to come through the rough tumble.    People find their skills in different places - some find them in a bottle, some in a church, others like me - in some 12 step program or another.  I remember in my early days and even more recent than that - being so confused when someone in a meeting said "Hi, I am Joe, a grateful recovering alcoholic", or "Hi, I'm Mary, a grateful member of Alanon".  Or whatever their 'qualification' for 12 steps was.  I thought - I'm not grateful; I'm pissed off I've had to deal with this crap that took me to those rooms.

But now I am reminded how grateful I am for the situation that took me there. I remember where my tool box is, even if some contents are dusty from lack of use. I pulled every single one of them out in the past couple weeks - they have gotten a workout, to be sure.

I don't know where I would be without the tools of 12 steps.  Nowhere good.

Regrets are Evil

Hershey Park Comet

What a week.  Up, down, whipsaw first one way then another - -- a roller coaster.  And I don't like roller coasters.   Had a joyous day, a tumultuous day, a day of regret, a day of confusion.  The roller coaster included great pleasure, pain, anxiety, remorse, fear, joy.  One day I could not eat, another day felt like a bottomless pit of food.   A mess.

We all have our ways of working through life's bombshells and blasts.  Some drink, some eat, some avoid, some talk -- me, I write, I read, I go to meetings. Hell, I even went to Mass.

So after 7 long days, I think I understand much if not all of the events.  I think I have accepted my feelings and what I want - and don't want.  But then again, it's only 7 days - and this is a big one. So most likely, I am still a mess. But I just want to work through this is such a way that at the other side, I have no regrets. Or maybe just a couple.

Baby Steps - Fear Again

  

I am scared of snakes, some bugs, roller coasters and now -      a relationship. Seriously.

Ultimately, fear is now fear of dying.  As adults, we think of death as an abstract eventuality.  Then the SCA arrives in our life, and death becomes far more concrete.  It is now a reality, not merely a "someday" idea.  It becomes an "any day, maybe even today" fact.

Perhaps this new reality with death changes what fear feels like.  In parts of my life, I ignore risk  -  perhaps even more since the SCA.  I went snorkeling alone in the Caribbean over Christmas - more than once.  At one moment, I felt unnerved, but I did not consider NOT doing it.

Then there is what should be the lesser fear, things you KNOW do not present imminent physical risk. But even knowing there is not risk of actual physical death, I swear it feels the same.  Standing here on the precipice (so to speak) looking at the abyss that is a potential relationship - it strikes.  Like a relationship could kill you, or worse yet, just idea that one day there may be the potential for a relationship - even this feels like it  might be fatal.  And this is not the small, manageable kind of fear that you control by taking a deep breath or two.  This is the big stuff; it is the fear that causes your throat to constrict, produces whatever the emotional equivalent is of a car's screaming from slammed-on brakes.  This is the fear that reduces action to baby steps at best.  This is half a step forward, five bounding, rapid steps back.   This is not a pretty sight.

I'm terrified.  Not liking it.
I think I'll get there. Maybe. Perhaps.  I don't know.  I fear that when my time arrives for a relationship that I will have raced for the exit at even the idea of a possibility.  People scare me - I think that's the truth.

Put this on the "to do" list for tomorrow - learn to love emotional terror.

Youth - Pride and Pain

Two of the young have touched me in the last couple days; one I know and one I do not.
The known- my adult son shortly will  mark two years sobriety.  He has had a road with rocks, turns, twists, ravines, downright ditches.  He has had some dark days in his thirty some years, but now - he has a family, he is succeeding at a wonderful job, he's been promoted, he's been victorious over a rotten gene pool. He is sober.  I am both relieved and proud.

The second is a 17 year old whose mother I happened to "e-meet" on the Sudden Cardiac Arrest website.  Her 17 year old boy survived SCA with limited damage.  He is struggling with all the adjustments; he has had to give up his sports passion, he cannot participate in the contact sports he loves.
He is furious; he is furious with his doctors, at his situation, at his implanted defibrillator.  I ache for him; he is so pissed; he sees the ICD not as a lifesaver but somehow as the cause of his new limitations. He has threatened to find a doctor who will remove the defibrillator when he turns 18.

I empathize with him and with his terrified mother.  It's awful to feel the loss of control, the cold icy fear about the SCA having happened and the ever-present dull dread that it may happen again.  I know we survivors should all be grateful and many days I am.  But there are days of being so pissed off, we need not to talk to people; we need to keep that rage contained.

I struggle and I have the skills and experience of an adult.  Even so, this has certainly been the most difficult challenge of my life. I ache for the young man who has to cope with this, to wrestle it to the ground at 17 - the world is black and white, the skills are limited, the impulses are huge, lashing out feels wonderful if only for a minute.

These two young men gave me pause.

Not Yielding to the SCA - Or Not Quite, Anyway

I spent last week in a relatively isolated area of Grand Cayman - my first real vacation since the Sudden Cardiac Arrest (SCA) in 9/2009.  Reluctantly, I had resigned myself to no more Scuba diving; I was determined to learn to love snorkeling.  Around mid-week, I wondered if I had made a mistake with a tropical vacation; I love diving in the Caribbean; I missed it again and again.

I snorkeled a fair amount, both from shore and from boats.  It was better than NOT being on a reef, but I think those who say snorkeling is as good or better than diving probably don't actually love diving.

It was difficult to be around the diving world.  I realized that it is not merely the visual underwater experience I miss. (although the visual is astounding; the peeking into crevices and finding living surprises; the serenity and other-worldliness of it; the sight of a shark; the joy of swimming for a moment alongside a turtle; the shock in seeing that seahorses are real;  being filled with the sense that we are visiting their world).  But I also miss the dive boats, the camaraderie, the swapping of stories and the day's sights, (I have heard some of the best jokes of my life during dive surface intervals) -- and the sheer physical exhaustion at the end of a 3-dive day - I missed all of it.  It's a small club and all of a sudden my membership got yanked.  At the end of the week, in my 5 condo complex, there were BC's and other scuba gear hanging over railings drying out for the flights home.  It was a physical yearning for me.  Over and over.

I am reconsidering selling my equipment.  I'm working on a new plan.  It may be a stupid plan, but it's a different approach.  I have set some health goals for myself this year; if I can reach them, I will talk to my cardiologist again about diving.  There is a Scuba medical organization (DAN) that offers physicians consultations about specific cases.  Somehow I think my case is worth that process; I am an unusual SCA survivor.  Well, truth be told,  every SCA survivor is unusual.   But I did not suffer heart damage; that puts me into the minority of the minority who live through the SCA.

I know it's nuts.  The implanted defibrillator is not tested at depth greater than 40 feet.  But the health goals are good regardless.  It's a wonderful motivator, a world class motivator; if I don't meet those health goals, I won't consider diving.  If I do reach them and still can't dive - well, I'll be a more fit snorkeler.

I can't say 'never' on diving; I honestly tried, and I simply cannot.

Love Cousins, Love Facebook, Love These 2 Guys

My godfather and favorite uncle is on the right.  Sonny Jurgensen is on the left.

I reconnected with far-flung cousins on facebook.  And I got so incredibly lucky - one cousin had kept this photo that I had long ago lost. AND the same cousin was so kind to track it down and send me a copy.

My heroes.  I cried when I opened it up.  And I almost never cry.

Some people occupy very very big spaces in our lives.   Joy

Damn It - Being an Ass Again

Why is gratitude so difficult to remember in the throes of day-to-day life?  Such an ass I can be.  Yesterday I volunteered at a shelter - food prep and serving.  I wish I could say I do this often, but truth is that I don't.  On a day like that, it is easy to remember gratitude.  Grateful for much of my life, for unspeakable gifts, grateful for people I cherish, grateful that I am one of the 2% who survive Sudden Cardiac Arrest.  I remembered  all that yesterday.

Then forward 24 hours and I have forgotten it.  All of it.  Every last bit.  Today I was frazzled and bitching - I have a joint flare, can't exercise, working hard and intensely to make up for not having worked hard last week,struggling with upcoming trip arrangements.  And then, the proverbial capper.... a friend has done me a great kindness and I realized with a start that I needed to go out to dreaded stores and get a gift.  That REALLY annoyed me - having to shop 3 days before Christmas - I just forgot somehow that it was shopping because of a wonderful, unexpected kindness.

And then the last bit of the day - I grew progressively more annoyed at how much effort, how many phone calls, how many fax attempts it was taking to get a Cayman condo stocked for our arrival in a couple days.  Embarrassing, but true; I was fizzing because I needed to be sure that there was beer and wine on arrival - and not one single moment later.  Embarrassing to say that it seemed an actual urgency, if not bona fide crisis.

People don't have jobs or have jobs they hate or jobs that don't pay enough.  People don't have homes or don't have the right one or are in danger of losing it.  Life smacks people around.  My heart stopped without symptom or warning -  and I didn't die.

My only hope is that I can learn to remember gratitude as quickly as I forget it.  Ridiculous.  That is me in the photo.

Boats as Prism

All through the fall and early winter, I rented boats.  I have not gone out alone yet - my skills are not at that level.  Each of my companions had more experience than I do, but only one is expert in the local waters,  And the local waters here, as in many places, are tricky. Sandbars lurk.

The boat owners provide a briefing on the basics and finer points of the boat and some insight into the local waters.  My companions hear the briefing in remarkably different ways.  And I have learned how I will hear the briefing when my turn comes.

The least experienced of the bunch had the least patience for the briefing.  She thinks you  need to know  only on/off, forward/reverse, anchor and depth finder.  Navigational markers are superfluous.

Then the men.  One responded with visible signs of irritation; no overt brusqueness, but non-verbally communicating that he had a great deal of boating experience and did not need the information on the boat.  Had little interest in the local water information as well. Outwardly polite, but point made clearly and sharply - not a newbie.

Then the next verbalized in a blustery, I-blew-by-the-Jones's sort of way.  You know how this goes: he had owned boats far bigger than this one, grew up on the water,  navigated far trickier seas, caught bigger and better fish -  he knew all he wanted to know.

And then there is the class act who will be my role model when my time finally comes to receive my very own briefing. This friend has been out on the rental boat with me several times; he has heard the entire briefing more than once; he grew up here and has been boating these waters for 40+ years.  But he was silent, smiling, gracious and attentive - even the second or third time through.  The first time, he turned to me after we had gotten underway to explain why he had let the briefing run through even though there was no new information for him --- but an explanation was not necessary.  It was already clear.

This is one of the kindest people I have ever known; he will grant each person time, patience and respect for their expertise; what he already knows is just not the point.

Boat as prism - kindness trumps.

Creepiness at the Gym

Well, I was going to write about boating having given way to Beef Stew.  Yes, it's cold.  I heard we may break a record this week for most consecutive days with below freezing temperatures.  Who the hell keeps such records??
Just a week ago it was 68, sunny , no wind and boated with friends.

Today it will top out at 45 or so - the beef stew will be made in time for the end of second football game.  Hoping a friend comes by to share it.

Back to creepiness at the gym.  This AM, next to me on an elliptical machine was a 60-65 year old fit guy.  Each machine has its own TV screen and he was flipping channels and settled on - -- wait for it --- High School cheer-leading championships.
Come on, now.  The only people who watch cheer-leading championships are blood relatives of participants.  I don't even think you could get the related-by-marriage folks to sit through this.

But this dude was rapt.  Ick.  If it's possible to have a lascivious lean on an elliptical machine, he had it.  Ick, Ick Ick.
When I see guys like that, I feel for the inevitable wife and daughter.

Ick.

Back to prepping the stew.

Falling for Kindness

On a long drive, I was pondering men - again.

The men I have known have all been smart -  that is the one common denominator.  Some whip smart, some astonishingly quick, some deeply analytical, some mind-numbingly methodical, some well-educated, others with instinctive intelligence.    But each was smart.

Beyond raw intelligence, the group is diverse.  A 'bad boy', more than one alcoholic/addict, one manipulator, one who saw only darkness,  at least one with "mother issues".  Some short, some tall, some handsome, some less so.  One drove fast cars, one rode a bicycle 250 miles to visit, one taught me to drive a motorcycle, though not particularly well.   (He taught well, but I learned poorly).   Some readers, no cooks that I remember, one gardener, most loathed yardwork.

 At least one was a middle-of-the-road guy (you know the sort - Mom liked him), but I admit that for a long time, I was drawn to the edges.  Looking back, most were on some edge or another.  They took risks, the paths were unclear, having any sort of relationship with them involved risk for me.  Risks I usually took and perhaps even sought.

And now, I find myself drawn to kindness.  Kindness still wrapped up in some edge, in quick and unusual intelligence, in brilliant humor, in a life of successes and failures; I have never sought out simple.

But I think I am falling for kindness. It's a blanket and I love it.

The Upside of Sudden Cardiac Arrest

From time to time, it occurs to me that there are a few benefits of having had Sudden Cardiac Arrest (SCA).   And I'm not thinking in terms of viewing the world and life through more a more profound lens - I am referring to odd little snaps that pop up randomly where the thought is "wow, I wouldn't _________ if it hadn't been for the SCA).

Examples:

On the really mundane, I think my house is neater.  It is truly bizarre how often it passes through the mind -  casually not dramatically--- that I don't want people to have to come in the house and find XYZ in the event that today is the day I have croaked.  Tidy up.  I wonder where in the hospital discharge instructions THAT would be listed.  No lifting more than 10 pounds for 6 weeks, no stretching the left arm over the head for 4 weeks and oh yes - tidy up that house.  Spare the poor unsuspecting post-death visitors.

More importantly, I met DD.  Without SCA, there would have been no driving ban and hence, no meeting DD. The idea of not knowing that person sends shivers.

And then today I am reading a book about Buddhism. Yup, I moved from "Whores for Gloria" to Buddhism.  In a section on impermanence, the Dalai Lama writes that being aware of our own death and having an understanding that we can die at any time ------ this is helpful as we contemplate the path to enlightenment.  He comments that most of us avoid all thought of our own death and have a mistaken sense of our permanence,

As I read this, I thought - wow, way ahead of the game on this one.  Check that box. Skipping right on down that path.....

Thanksgiving - One Down, One to Go

 I don't like the holidays anymore.  It's not related to Sudden Cardiac Arrest (SCA) but I don't like them.    Last year, in the aftermath of the SCA and the domestic turmoil, it was worse; I had a true sense of dread - not quite impending doom, but not too far short. But this general malaise dates back 10 years now.  Ten years ago, we had two deaths in the immediate family within two weeks, both between Thanksgiving  and Christmas.  It was a crappy fall.  One death is hard; two in  rapid succession is just awful.  Obviously, that year, I expected to have a lousy Christmas.

Each year after that one, I thought this would be the year I enjoyed the holidays again.   I enjoyed the run-up to Christmas.  But not to be; each year, that low level dread continues.  It didn't get better, it didn't get worse  --- it's just here.

Even so, I had a nice Thanksgiving yesterday.  (and it was my birthday).  Had 8 for dinner - an interesting, lively group of friends.  I enjoyed hosting; I enjoyed cooking; I enjoyed the dynamics of the day.  But this morning I heard Christmas music on the radio and my first thought was "one down, one to go". ( I don't count New Years in "the holidays"; it's just a football marathon with a Mummer's parade for good measure.)

The good news is that in one month, the holidays will be over.   That's the run-up I now enjoy.

Fear as Fever

Fears are normal.  Once you survive Sudden Cardiac Arrest (SCA), you almost have to build an entirely new relationship with fear.  It is constant; it follows us around every single place we go. It is right there with us every single step through the day. We make all our decisions about even the smallest parts of life with a nod towards the presence of fear.  I think of it as analogous to walking around with a low-grade fever.  Not the knock-you-on-your-butt fever of 103 that would align with terror, but rather that half-a-degree fever.  It's just always there, always there.

My cell phone is being repaired. (I am SO unhip that I just can't make the shift to a smart phone; I am hanging on to my ancient RAZR for dear life).  So no cell phone for a whopping 3 days.

Before the SCA, I often lost track of my cell phone.   I didn't always carry it; I let the battery go dead - it was just not a part of everyday life.

Now, the phone is a lifeline.  Its role has changed. It has my emergency contact numbers.  When I swim in the ocean alone or walk on the beach, I think of the phone as my identification information if something happens.  It's 10% there so I can call 911, but it's 90% there so that I can be identified if my heart stops.  It's not dramatic; it's just a new role for the phone in my life.  Something I don't even think about, but I always have it with me.

But not these three days.  It is unnerving.

Fear - how bizarre.  Add to the list - fear of being without cell phone.
Sudden Cardiac Arrest just changes us.

P.S. Cell phones don't always bounce.