Of course, we could each die every day; car accidents, killer Orca's, hurricanes, earthquakes, lightening - all possibilities each day. But those two days ---- those were days when death was really close by; he was sitting with me, hanging around to see if this were the day we left together.
I know I'm not alone; many people have near death experiences. And I think I am a fairly rational human being, but it can be terrifically difficult to come to terms with. (Yes, I know that's a preposition at the end of that sentence, and I remember Winston Churchill's quip to a young editor slashing his manuscript with red ink, murdering those prepositions: "This is nonsense up with which I will not put"....
Back to death. Some days I think I have come to terms with it and other days I know I have not. I was unbelievably lucky - not only did I survive (2% do), but because I was in the ER when it happened, I apparently did not suffer heart or brain damage - and so many people suffer grievously from one or the other or both. I took a bar exam this week (5 months after the SCA), with my 50+ year old memory - always a drag, but really - I am so fortunate that this kind of life is even possible for me.
This morning, in an Alanon meeting, where I had not spoken much, the topic was "Intimacy" and I was stunned that as I started to speak about the nature of my relationships in the aftermath of the SCA - I became emotional. I NEVER become emotional in public or the semi-public that is Alanon.
So I'm not there yet. I want to think that I am, but I know in my heart that I am not. If I were, if I had fully come to terms with the presence of death that day --- I would be able to speak of my family's response to the SCA without choking up.
Some days I just don't know what to do with this extraordinary luck.
Hi, Marty!
ReplyDeleteWe chatted once on the Inspire/SCAA website, when I disagreed with your comments that seemed to make an sca-survivor and an ICD-wearer one and the same. Well, I'd like to disagree with you again, but please don't think me a disagreeable person.:-)
It's just that you, and many others, talk often about "not getting over" the "near-death experience". I'd like to try and help you with that. My point? Well...
First, you didn't have a "near-death experience" because there is no such thing. You truly DIED, and then you returned to this life again.
As we get nearer to death, our ability to experience anything diminishes like a light going out. We CAN NOT experience near-death, but at the moment of death, the spirit (which is actually YOU) leaves the body and then you can experience again, but not in an earthly sense. Dying is the most traumatic event in life, and who should be surprised at that? Yet, so many deny it.
When the prophet Jonah was returned to this life, he ran away from what had happened to him but later accepted it and lived his renewed life with a greater purpose.
Now, I don't know much about Alanon, but I'm sure that the Alanon "Way" is to face the truth about ourselves and the things that happen in our lives. That's what I'm saying you should do. You DIED, Marty, and now you're LIVING again with a greater purpose. Happily, you have retained your faculties, and there are, and will be, many of us who will need you. And what is a prophet, anyway, but an attorney of a higher court?
May you be blessed always, Marty.
Bob